Thoughts in a Helpless Mind
by TateIsQuiteSynyster
Summary: Just a short drabble of the wanderings of Tate's mind set sometime post Afterbirth. Kind of a writing process experiment for myself. Haven't tried writing anything in years, so I would love some feedback! Please don't just call it crap and not give any constructive advice, though. I used some little nuances to give it more depth for its length, such as the names or lack thereof.


An eternity of sorrow. That's what Nora said this house was. Endless days and nights of longing. She was right. She was always right, even if she's just as crazy as every other asshole trapped in this godless house. Jesus, they all just make me sick. Every last one of them, except my poor brother. He didn't ask for any of this. But he's the only one. I hate all the rest of those crazy fuckheads. Nora for her constant need for what she will never have. The drugged up Dr. Frankenstein wannabe and his unholy creation (like I have any room to judge). Dr. Harmon for his inability to see the good things he has and general holier-than-thou complex. Those fucking twins and their fucking poppers. The murder-obsessed bitch and her fat, whiny sidekick the airhead. Those two nurses who just can't get over the fact that they're as fucking dead as the rest of us. The half-blind sometimes elderly slut. The young psycho bitch slut. The arson who killed her own daughters cause some spineless man left her for The Cocksucker. Her charred little girls who can never stop whining at me to play tea with them (they're alright in small doses. Very small doses.). The clueless pretty boy with mommy issues. Gay #1 who is the flaming stereotype with OCD. Gay #2 who is an adulterating cocksucker (I never liked a cocksucker I'd ever met). My rapist fucking father who does his absolute best to avoid me (As he should. I taught him to). The girl who would literally fuck anyone to be a little shining star. Vivien, who made my light leave me in the dark. And the bitch who broke my heart. She couldn't just accept that I wasn't the same anymore. She fixed me, and then left me worse off than I ever was. Then she had cruelty left to give me everything I'd ever wanted, her love, and tell me it still didn't mean shit. She can't forgive me? Bullshit. She's just being fucking stubborn. Sometimes I hate her the most. Sometimes I want to show her just how bad I can be. I'm the darkness? She hasn't even SEEN the darkness. She goes on and on about her attraction to the dark, but she sees the fucked up little infantata, and nearly pisses her own pants. Not afraid of anything? She's afraid of everything. She's just a coward who won't even bother to just take what she wants since she's stuck here for eternity anyway. Why shouldn't she? If she loves me so much, and we're all stuck here, why should she just make her sentence miserable and hard? Cause she's a fucking coward. A pathetic little girl, fucked up as any of the others.

I'm the only one who sees things the way they are. There's no use dwelling, what's done is done. Of course, that's all I seem to be able to do nowadays. Sit around and mope. And feel sorry for myself. But, Jesus, don't I have the goddamn right? Out of everyone in this house, I suffered the most. Sure, we could all sit around comparing horror stories, but the god-awful truth is I lost my father, my brother, my sister, never even had a mother, never had any real family come to think of it, I was made fun of and bullied at school (and they wondered why I shot them up, bunch of hypocritical maggots), I was forced to live with a man who not only killed my brother, but essentially killed his whole family and never even felt bad about it, I had to live in that goddamn house with all of its goddamn voices constantly whispering evil things into my goddamn head, the one person who I thought of as a mother never cared about me, just about the baby I had promised her that she didn't even want, I got shot up in my room by a bunch of SWAT dumb asses, I had to give over my own sanity, rape a woman I had actually liked and respected, do coke and meth just to drown out the goddamn voices, kill people for the ones I loved, give up my humanity, father a son, who is probably the antichrist as it turns out (little fucker kills everyone he meets except The Cocksucker), and lose the only thing that had been my salvation and get lost to the darkness again. Who here has seen so much? Who here has gone through so much that they can for one second judge me and my decisions.

I only did what I thought would make the people I loved happy. I am capable of guilt when the situation deserves it. I wish I hadn't hurt the love of my life by hurting her mom. I wish I hadn't killed her mom. I wish I could have just saved her from this nightmare of a house. I wish I could have shut up those voices and not killed those fucking children (no matter how much they may have deserved it). I wish I could go back and erase everything I had done if only I could make her love me again. I just want to be loved. Sometimes I love so much I feel like it's exploding out of me. That's why I do all of these bad things. For love. Some of my actions I will never feel sorry for, some I only feel sorry for because of what those choices have cost me, and some I truly can't understand. I should never have raped Vivien, I really hated hurting her. I should have never promised Nora a baby, I knew I'd have to do unspeakable evil to accomplish it. Dr. Harmon says I don't feel guilt, but I do. Sometimes I sit by myself, tearing at my own skin, trying to figure out why would I do that? All of it? Why? The worst part is I always drop dead of blood loss, and come back a few minutes later with no answer. There's never a fucking answer. I know I've done wrong, but I can't change any of it now. Even though I really do want to. Isn't that guilt? Who is Dr. Harmon to talk anyway? He didn't feel guilt for fucking that whore either, he was just upset he got caught. If he could have kept right on plowing her behind Vivien's back, he would have done it with a smile on his face. Fucking hypocrite.

Some days I feel so much hope, that there's almost a light shining out of me. I'm so sure that my light will come back to me, and breathe life back into everything inside of me that died when she walked out on me. Some days I just know I won't have to wait for forever. And then there's days like today where I know she'll never change her mind. When I see her for what she is. A fucking, goddamn, lying, manipulative, heartbreaker coward. She talks a big game, but she can never back it up. Stupid fake bitch. The worst part, is even on the days I hate her, I can't stop loving every little thing about her, and deep down, I know it's not her I hate, it's me for not being good enough to keep her. Now she's doomed to an eternity of loving and hating me, and it's all my fault. I suppose it's perfect since that's exactly what I'm damned to as well. Two star-crossed lovers destined to misery forever. Or until someone finally knocks this house to the fucking ground. Maybe.


End file.
